I can’t even believe I’m about to write about this. It has been heavy on my mind. Yesterday I shared with you my love story and I’m truly so happy with my life. But I feel like people only posts good things on Facebook, i mean we all have those negative friends. But if something really big and bad is going on in their life your not likely to hear about it. I don’t want to be like that – I want to be transparent. I want people to see all angles of my life- cry with me, laugh with me, grow with me!
Please note that this is VERY hard for me to write about. This event cut me so deep and has scarred me more than I can express. Its something I have suppressed for years and i only will talk about it with my hubby and best friend. and now I’m about to share it with the world- posting it for anyone’s eyes, anyone’s judgement.
I believe I was in 7th grade, I had a best friend, we did everything together! I loved her so much and we were really 2 peas in a pod. i don’t know what i did to upset her, i THINK it was jealousy over some guy. I really don’t know because i never got an explanation. One day my life changed forever. I walked into school and everyone was whispering about me and calling me names. I had no idea why everyone turned on me and started hating on me. Come to find out my best friend and our mutual friend had spread a NASTY rumor about me. I WILL NOT repeat the rumor on here. The majority of you already know exactly what I’m talking about but i don’t care to share with more people.
That day forward no one would talk to me as a friend or even a classmate. I hated gym class and lunch the most. Thats where there wasn’t much supervision and the others could make fun of me without any teachers noticing. Going to school day after day became such a nightmare. Its just one little town, one little school but to me it was my world! A large portion of the first 18 years of a childs life is spent in school so that was my present and future for years to come.
I felt like everyone hated me, i began to tell myself that i didn’t have a purpose in life. I really wanted to die- i was tired of spending my days bullied and my nights crying about it. I began to cut myself, this is when cutting wasn’t a big known thing. It was just something I did in the privacy of my own room, NO ONE knew. I cut my leg down by my ankle, i just wanted to cause physical pain to take my mind off the emotional pain. It was my only relief. I still have the scars to this day.
When i started high school, i began going to private school. I got a lot better, I had friends again and I wasn’t bullied at school. But that doesn’t mean the bullying stopped, people still managed to get in contact with me and harass me. I’ll never forget the day i was driving my truck on the back road to my house, every tree I passed i wanted to ram my truck into. Just take me out of this world, God! I’m tired of fighting to be accepted, i don’t want to do it anymore. Crying so hard i could barely even see the road. I don’t know what stopped me that day.
Things FINALLY started looking up in the summer of 2008! i had just finished off my 11th year of high school. My parents pulled me into their room one summer night and told me that we were moving. What?? i don’t wanna move, I’m in my last year of high school!! i remember saying through my tears “i don’t even know how to spell Wisconsin” hahaha i did, i was just being super dramatic. but seriously Wisconsin was no where on my radar. After a few minutes, i calmed down and realized this could be a new start for me. I can actually move there without anyone’s pre-judgement. I could actually have people get to know me for ME- not just what people were saying about me.
After moving, something flipped in me, seriously, my dad said i changed over night. I wasn’t as angry anymore and I felt like i dropped my baggage at the Virginia border line. I decided to forgive even tho no one said sorry I forgave them. i forgave them so i could move on and be happy. It worked! just weeks later i would meet the man that turned me into the happiest girl in the world. So glad i didn’t give up on life. So glad i finally had someone that loved me for the woman that i am – flaws and all. my plan was not to tell any one about this when i moved- my little secret. I told branden just weeks after knowing him, it was so hard but i wanted to be truthful with him and give him understanding on why i am the way i am. He didn’t judge me at all. Wisconsin was the best thing that ever happened to me.
That poor guy had so many walls to break down but he did it. one by one he broke down all the stupid walls i built up.
Most classmates went on to live their lives, probably not knowing how much of an impact their words were AND thats OKAY! we were kids! we had little sense of judgement!
Sometime in early 2014 the girl that started the rumor about me friend requested me on FB, i took dayssss to reply. i had to think long and hard. did she change, too? or is she going to break open the wounds that I spent years trying to heal? i decided that if i truly forgave her like i believed i did in 2008 then i can’t still hold it against her. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Friend request- accepted.
A few weeks later this popped up in my inbox
“Hey Brittany! So this may seem insincere since its coming from fb, but I hope you can tell that I am genuine. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I did to you in middle school. I know that was years and years ago, but if I were you, I would still want an apology and I think you deserve one. You were and are an amazing person. I was just really really really really stupid.”
Wow I COULD NOT believe it, even tho we were young and stupid, she remembered. She was carrying a burden just as much as i was! I forgave her about 5 years prior but omg it was so nice to hear that she was actually truly sorry.
We are both mommies now and i get to share my mommy moments with her and i get to see her raise her baby, too.
i do want to say that I’m happy things happened the way they did and I wouldn’t change a thing. I realized that I value my life and I learned to forgive. I’ve learned that I am strong and I learned how to treat others. Now hopefully I can teach my children the effects of bullying and teach them how to treat others.
every one is going to take this post and apply it to their life in some way. Here is what i hope for…
- I hope my old classmates do not feel any guilt or take this post personally in any way, remember that this was 10+ yrs ago.
- i hope the next time you pass judgement on someone based on some thing someone else said about them, you take the time to get to know them yourself.
- I hope the next time you hear about that girl cutting herself or actually committing suicide, you have empathy for them.
- I hope you forgive that person that you currently hold a grudge against and remember you don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
- I hope you remember that your world is so much bigger than the present, this too shall pass. fight through it! 🙂
- I hope you remember that you never know what the person your talking to or about is going through.
If this post helps one person than i will be happy, i hope that person is you 🙂