Broken

I can’t even believe I’m about to write about this. It has been heavy on my mind. Yesterday I shared with you my love story and I’m truly so happy with my life. But I feel like people only posts good things on Facebook, i mean we all have those negative friends. But if something really big and bad is going on in their life your not likely to hear about it. I don’t want to be like that – I want to be transparent. I want people to see all angles of my life- cry with me, laugh with me, grow with me!

Please note that this is VERY hard for me to write about. This event cut me so deep and has scarred me more than I can express. Its something I have suppressed for years and i only will talk about it with my hubby and best friend. and now I’m about to share it with the world- posting it for anyone’s eyes, anyone’s judgement.

I believe I was in 7th grade, I had a best friend, we did everything together! I loved her so much and we were really 2 peas in a pod. i don’t know what i did to upset her, i THINK it was jealousy over some guy. I really don’t know because i never got an explanation. One day my life changed forever. I walked into school and everyone was whispering about me and calling me names. I had no idea why everyone turned on me and started hating on me. Come to find out my best friend and our mutual friend had spread a NASTY rumor about me. I WILL NOT repeat the rumor on here. The majority of you already know exactly what I’m talking about but i don’t care to share with more people.

That day forward no one would talk to me as a friend or even a classmate. I hated gym class and lunch the most. Thats where there wasn’t much supervision and the others could make fun of me without any teachers noticing. Going to school day after day became such a nightmare. Its just one little town, one little school but to me it was my world! A large portion of the first 18 years of a childs life is spent in school so that was my present and future for years to come.

I felt like everyone hated me, i began to tell myself that i didn’t have a purpose in life. I really wanted to die- i was tired of spending my days bullied and my nights crying about it. I began to cut myself, this is when cutting wasn’t a big known thing. It was just something I did in the privacy of my own room, NO ONE knew. I cut my leg down by my ankle, i just wanted to cause physical pain to take my mind off the emotional pain. It was my only relief. I still have the scars to this day.

When i started high school, i began going to private school. I got a lot better, I had friends again and I wasn’t bullied at school. But that doesn’t mean the bullying stopped, people still managed to get in contact with me and harass me. I’ll never forget the day i was driving my truck on the back road to my house, every tree I passed i wanted to ram my truck into. Just take me out of this world, God! I’m tired of fighting to be accepted, i don’t want to do it anymore. Crying so hard i could barely even see the road. I don’t know what stopped me that day.

Things FINALLY started looking up in the summer of 2008! i had just finished off my 11th year of high school. My parents pulled me into their room one summer night and told me that we were moving. What?? i don’t wanna move, I’m in my last year of high school!! i remember saying through my tears “i don’t even know how to spell Wisconsin” hahaha i did, i was just being super dramatic. but seriously Wisconsin was no where on my radar. After a few minutes, i calmed down and realized this could be a new start for me. I can actually move there without anyone’s pre-judgement. I could actually have people get to know me for ME- not just what people were saying about me.

After moving, something flipped in me, seriously, my dad said i changed over night. I wasn’t as angry anymore and I felt like i dropped my baggage at the Virginia border line. I decided to forgive even tho no one said sorry I forgave them. i forgave them so i could move on and be happy. It worked! just weeks later i would meet the man that turned me into the happiest girl in the world. So glad i didn’t give up on life. So glad i finally had someone that loved me for the woman that i am – flaws and all. my plan was not to tell any one about this when i moved- my little secret. I told branden just weeks after knowing him, it was so hard but i wanted to be truthful with him and give him understanding on why i am the way i am. He didn’t judge me at all. Wisconsin was the best thing that ever happened to me.

That poor guy had so many walls to break down but he did it. one by one he broke down all the stupid walls i built up.

Most classmates went on to live their lives, probably not knowing how much of an impact their words were AND thats OKAY! we were kids! we had little sense of judgement!

Sometime in early 2014 the girl that started the rumor about me friend requested me on FB, i took dayssss to reply. i had to think long and hard. did she change, too? or is she going to break open the wounds that I spent years trying to heal? i decided that if i truly forgave her like i believed i did in 2008 then i can’t still hold it against her. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Friend request- accepted.

A few weeks later this popped up in my inbox

“Hey Brittany! So this may seem insincere since its coming from fb, but I hope you can tell that I am genuine. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I did to you in middle school. I know that was years and years ago, but if I were you, I would still want an apology and I think you deserve one. You were and are an amazing person. I was just really really really really stupid.”

Wow I COULD NOT believe it, even tho we were young and stupid, she remembered. She was carrying a burden just as much as i was! I forgave her about 5 years prior but omg it was so nice to hear that she was actually truly sorry.

We are both mommies now and i get to share my mommy moments with her and i get to see her raise her baby, too.

i do want to say that I’m happy things happened the way they did and I wouldn’t change a thing. I realized that I value my life and I learned to forgive. I’ve learned that I am strong and I learned how to treat others. Now hopefully I can teach my children the effects of bullying and teach them how to treat others.

every one is  going to take this post and apply it to their life in some way. Here is what i hope for…

  • I hope my old classmates do not feel any guilt or take this post personally in any way, remember that this was 10+ yrs ago.
  • i hope the next time you pass judgement on someone based on some thing someone else said about them, you take the time to get to know them yourself.
  • I hope the next time you hear about that girl cutting herself or actually committing suicide, you have empathy for them.
  • I hope you forgive that person that you currently hold a grudge against and remember you don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
  • I hope you remember that your world is so much bigger than the present, this too shall pass. fight through it! 🙂
  • I hope you remember that you never know what the person your talking to or about is going through.

If this post helps one person than i will be happy, i hope that person is you 🙂

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6 thoughts on “Broken

  1. You know, I hope this doesn’t sound mean, but I loved reading this. I can relate and I know there are thousands of kids that go through bullying every single day. Online is the worst and I am glad there are lots of movies about bullying now and they are eye openers.

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  2. Wow, I am in true awe of this blog. How to even give feedback? You can tell this was from your soul, and to have shared with us on only the second post. That is proof that you have truly forgiven and moved forward, that it is no longer a burden in your life. We all have deep secrets and not everyone is as transparent to the world, that takes so much bravery. And here you are. Showing all of us what love and compassion, mean words and bullying can do to a human being. You have sent a great message today. I remember these middle school times, and as much as you think not to take the post personally it is very difficult. I remember wanting so badly to be your friend after this incident. That may sound so insincere, but I promise on anything. I remember thinking of you and what you felt like but I thought, “it might not be that bad since her mom works here….they can’t be getting to her that bad”. Maybe that is just how I rationalized not helping? Whatever the case, I read this and feel guilty for not helping. Sitting back and doing nothing is just as bad as bullying itself. After this post, I will ensure that my son will be raised differently. I will raise him with integrity, courage, and compassion. All of which this blog has enormous amounts of. XO Jordyn

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  3. Brittany, what an amazing story to tell about ur life and how u overcome trials. I’m glad u over came them, and I knw I was touched by this story. I hope many more people read this and realize what they are doing to others or what others are going through because of what they are doing. I hope they realize like u did their is more to your life and not to just take it cause of some bullying. You have such an amazing family and I’m glad God have given you them. I will always remember this when I hear about someone going through a hard time and try and help them instead of leaving them alone. Thank you so much for this story.

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  4. Brittany, this is amazing. I had no idea you went through something like this… I am truly sorry you had gone through that, itfs never Ok. I went through similar things as a young girl to the point I became anorexic because I was called fat, I also became suicidal because people told me I was ugly made fun of me non stop and told me “you should do the world a favor and just kill yourself”. It was horrid! My parents feared so much they too decided to move to that same little town in Denmark where I had a similar thing that you went through happen to me by a best friend. I had no idea why she spread the rumors she did and to this day I don’t. What o realized though is I had some amazing family and a few great friends who stood by me through it all. I just recently felt with another bully online and text of phone (people must feel really big when on the internet) but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realize I don’t need to make everyone happy nor should I deal with immaturity and blocked her from everything. Bullying is very real and it doesn’t matter how young or old the person is it happens. People really need to stand up to bullying and hopefully one day put an end to it. Kids are so impressionable and a lot of kids are taking their lives because of stupid things that are said. I truly hope one day bullying can be at least a rare thing if not completely gone. I understand not everyone is going to get along, and that’s Ok… But just avoid the person you don’t like, don’t spread nasty rumors or call names or make fun of others.. Its not and never okay.

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  5. Loved reading this. If I had not have read this I would have never known you went through something like this, you were always so bubbly. I dealt with some bad bullying when I was young as well. It was so bad I became anorectic because I was always called fat I was told by a group of girls “you should do the world a favor and kill yourself” and I became extremely suicidal. My patents feared for my life and too decided to move to that little small town in Wisconsin. It was a chance to be whoever I wanted to start fresh which did happen 😊 however I had two best friends and we did everything together… One of those best friends just one day stopped talking to me and no one knew why… Not even her! She decided she was going to spread nasty rumors around the school about me. To this day I have no idea why she did what she did and it still hurts that I lost someone I considered a sister. But it is what it is and I’ve moved on with my life. Just recently I dealt with more bullying online and via text message (I guess behind a screen people feel big and bad). I ended up having to block her because she was just being completely immature texting me all the time making fun of my marriage, my looks and so forth. Just shows the immaturity and hurt she herself harbours. But I’ve learned throughout life I can’t please everyone and don’t need horrible people like that in my life. I cut people out of my life that don’t deserve to be there and my life is great because of it 😉 I hope one day bullying is a rarity… Or even better completely gone! I understand people aren’t always going to get along but just be civil and avoid that person. Its what being mature is all about. Kids are so impressionable and bullying can kill. So many kids take their lives because of bullies and it is so sad.

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