I haven’t heard from you since I received that generic ‘happy birthday’ text you sent me in June. I’m not going to lie, I miss you. It has been 2 years and 2 months since you left us. Where are you these days? Texas? Virginia? North Carolina? I heard you visited Virginia a couple times recently, wish you would have reached out to me.
If only you knew what you were missing…
You’ve met your grandson, how you can meet him and not miss him terribly is absolutely beyond me. You missed his first steps, first Christmas, first Birthday, oh and last week you missed his first time saying “I love you”. It was the sweetest thing you could ever imagine, pretty sure I cried. Now when I tell him I love him, he puts in so much effort , sounds the words out and says it back to me. He has really struggled with his speech so this has been such a special moment for us. He hugs his sissy and gives her soft kisses on her forehead. When he gives us kisses, he wraps his arms around our necks and pulls us in with all his strength- it’s a heartfelt kiss that makes the hardest of hearts melt. He loves everyone he meets and he would love you too.. if he knew you. He says “hi” to everyone he sees and forces the scariest, angriest looking people into smiling and saying “hi” back. He is SO independent! He has been in a toddler bed since he was 15 months old and he has been 85% potty trained since before he was two, without me even trying! The “old you” would have been so proud of him…
Your granddaughter is 10 months now, and she is nothing but a sweet, baby doll. She has the prettiest smile. We call her “Smiley” because it doesn’t matter what she is going through or what time of day it is she still manages to have the biggest smile on her face. She is just as determined as her brother, she’s been crawling for months and she’s already trying to walk. She has the biggest, brightest blue eyes I have ever seen- breathtaking, actually. She loves to dance, she flails her arms around and claps, belly laughing the whole time. Her first Christmas is right around the corner, and a week after that she will be 1. You told Dad to tell me “congrats” when she was born, he gave me the message. What it would have meant to me if I had heard it from you instead. I had to pay a babysitter to keep my son while I was in the hospital, because there was no one else to watch him since Dad couldn’t watch him the whole time. What a sad feeling that was. The fact that I had to have a babysitter to take care of my child when I was in need, because no one else was there for us.
Had someone told me, just 5 years ago, that you wouldn’t be in my life OR my children’s lives OR my dad’s life, I would have never believed them. We were so close. You were seriously my best friend. We went shopping together, cooked meals together, played games. You were happily married to Dad for 23 years, I never heard you guys fight, MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD. Until something switched. Suddenly, everything was dad’s fault and he wouldn’t even fight back, he would just try to make things right and make you happy, but I saw it with my own eyes- you shut him out. You wanted more dates- he took you out for ice cream. You wanted to do more adventurous things- he bought both of you expensive mountain bikes, so you would sneak out of the house to go on bike rides without him. You wanted to travel more, so he started planning a trip to Italy for you. Whatever you asked him to change, he changed, and it was still not enough. A good, caring man who would give you the world, and you threw it all away.
You told me it was also my fault that you left, remember? You told me had I talked to you more, you wouldn’t have left. I tried to explain to you that I was newly married, and that I was starting a family of my own. You said your friend’s daughters talked to them everyday and that I should to.
I really miss you. In a way, I feel like I’m mourning the loss of my mother. It was hard being without you during the birth of both of my babies, having to figure out everything by myself when I would normally turn to you. It was hard but I know God was just testing me.
I am reminded of you every day, and unfortunately, I find that those thoughts are mostly sad. When I see a post on Facebook saying”I would be lost without my mother”, or when I see a mother and her grown daughter shopping while chit-chatting and getting along Over time, I cant help but feel a little jealous. I thought it would get easier, and that I would learn to live without you- it’s doesn’t. I do find myself crying less often. I used to cry every day, now I only cry once in a while. I am mostly sad for you. Sad that you have shut everyone out of your world, all of the people that loved and cared for you the most- how lonely you must be. Every time one of the kids have a milestone or learn something new, I am always confronted with a sense of sadness. I think “mom missed that,too.”
I hope you come back in my life one day. Hopefully sooner, then later as you have already missed so much.