Imperfection

There are times when I ask myself what I’m doing. What was I thinking having not one kid but two AND back to back… My days where I feel like we got ourselves into more than we can handle. I ask myself -how can I work full- time…and be a good employee, be a wife…but a loving, thoughtful wife, a daughter….but a caring daughter, and a friend… but a reliable, loyal friend. The truth is… I CAN do it all. BUT can I give all of myself  to every part of my life? No. I can’t. I can try but there will always be slack somewhere.

Branden and I leave Thursday for a weekend get away and I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. That’s 3 and 1/2 days of their short little toddler years that I am giving up. It kills me. But I have to water my grass. Branden and I need to show them what a healthy, loving marriage looks like. If we want to succeed, we have to focus on us. Although it will kill me to leave them for an entire weekend, I’m sure the entire family will gain from this trip.

Tonight I broke down crying. I guess leaving them is starting to set in. I think I feel like I’m not doing as good as I should be and its eating me up inside. I feel like I am being torn into a million different directions and failing at all of them.

Well Brayden saw me with my face resting in my hands trying to hide the tears that began sneaking out of my eyes.

Brayden asked me, “mommy, you sad?”

I didn’t want to lie to him so I said ” yes, baby but it’s ok”.

“mommy don’t be sad, I love you”

“I love you too baby”

“mommy don’t cry I’m your friend”

“Yes baby you are”

“mommy, I’ll be your best friend forever”. “I love you this much” as he stretched his arms out as far as he could.

At this point, I’m crying even more. Almost laugh crying. I am just so in awe of this little 3 year old that I brought into this world. He has so much love to give. There are times where I get down on myself and i wonder if I’m enough. But tonight…. tonight, proved to me that I have so much to offer. I am his mom. I am his whole world. How dare I think that ‘his world’ is not good enough. He doesn’t care if our house is clean or if we have money in the bank He just wants the ones he loves to be happy. He didn’t offer me anything but his love, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to.

I feel so sad for those that say they don’t want to have children. They are truly missing out on one of the most amazing gifts that anyone could ever imagine. They will never feel the love that I feel everyday. Soooo they have an amazing marriage or a once in a lifetime career or all the money you could ever want or need but they don’t have this. They don’t have the unbreakable bond between a parent and a child. They don’t have that ‘special’ love- the love that you could only feel or recognize if you have a child of your own.

If you are a parent and ever struggle with your worth, I hope you think about your child’s point of view and see yourself the way they see you. I hope you remember that you are someone’s whole world. I hope you leave the dishes in the sin, take those 5 extra minutes to hold them a little tighter before you drop them off at daycare, and I hope you smile at your imperfections. And whatever you do… don’t forget to water your own grass.

 

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