Have you ever grieved for someone that’s not dead?
I know there’s the situation where someone was cut out of your life from a falling out— whether it was your decision or someone else’s.
But I’m talking about grieving the loss of someone that you see everyday or at least often….that is very much alive— for the mere THOUGHT of losing that someone that you love sooo much.
I find myself grieving…crying… just thinking about losing certain people in my life.
Don’t worry I’m not sitting here mopping around everyday. Just sometimes I have moments where I shed a few tears while I wonder what it would be like to not have that special person in my life.
Like to lose a husband…that loves me so deeply and unconditionally. I don’t think his love for me or my love for him could ever be replicated by any human being on this planet. I’m a woman of many layers and feisty as ever- for him to love me like he does, it’s just a rarity. I feel like I am with my one true love and I could not even begin to imagine life without him.
Anytime I see someone that has lost a child or is in the process of losing their child… my heart breaks for them but it also breaks for myself. I kind of think that I’m being self centered and maybe I am or maybe it’s just my way of empathizing….
Sometimes my heart is full of joy…bursting with happiness and if you’ve ever experienced true happiness or pride then you know what I’m talking about. But sometimes that happiness will lead to a tear because I begin to grieve the loss of that moment.
Like when Brylee will go through the House, skipping, not a care in the world, just the happiest little human being on the planet or when Brayden holds my hand when I’m not feeling good and tells me I’m going to be ok.
Or when the kids hug and kiss at night, giggling the entire time.
Or how Brylee cries because Brayden gave her a kiss good night but she didn’t get to give him a kiss on return and he will actually turn around and go back to let her kiss him to appease her.
In those moments, I feel like my heart slowly works it’s way into my throat. I could not imagine not having either of my kids. So sometimes when I’m in my super happy moments I feel like I almost start preparing myself to lose that. Maybe I’m morbid. Maybe I’m a realist. Or maybe it’s just a way for me to protect myself like “wait Britt, don’t get too happy… DON’T take this moment for granted. This may be the last time this happens.”
I cling to these moments and I think that’s why I take so many pictures(and I can’t bring myself to delete a single picture) or fill our days full of fun activities.
Soon these moments will be gone. Change is good.. and needed… that’s how we grow but Gah!!! It’s so hard. It’s hard knowing that one day my kids won’t want to fight over who gets to sit beside me anymore. That one day, even with as much effort that I put into parenting, one of my kids might cut me out of their lives.
The unknown is so so scary. All we can do is love “our people” hard, trust in God’s plan, and cling to the happy moments. I’m not sure if I’m the only one that feels this way… i probably overthink things… but maybe if you’re reading this and have felt the same way, you will somehow feel validated and know that you are not alone.
I know I’m super sappy and write way too much but I’m just keeping it real 🙂