Imperfection

There are times when I ask myself what I’m doing. What was I thinking having not one kid but two AND back to back… My days where I feel like we got ourselves into more than we can handle. I ask myself -how can I work full- time…and be a good employee, be a wife…but a loving, thoughtful wife, a daughter….but a caring daughter, and a friend… but a reliable, loyal friend. The truth is… I CAN do it all. BUT can I give all of myself  to every part of my life? No. I can’t. I can try but there will always be slack somewhere.

Branden and I leave Thursday for a weekend get away and I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. That’s 3 and 1/2 days of their short little toddler years that I am giving up. It kills me. But I have to water my grass. Branden and I need to show them what a healthy, loving marriage looks like. If we want to succeed, we have to focus on us. Although it will kill me to leave them for an entire weekend, I’m sure the entire family will gain from this trip.

Tonight I broke down crying. I guess leaving them is starting to set in. I think I feel like I’m not doing as good as I should be and its eating me up inside. I feel like I am being torn into a million different directions and failing at all of them.

Well Brayden saw me with my face resting in my hands trying to hide the tears that began sneaking out of my eyes.

Brayden asked me, “mommy, you sad?”

I didn’t want to lie to him so I said ” yes, baby but it’s ok”.

“mommy don’t be sad, I love you”

“I love you too baby”

“mommy don’t cry I’m your friend”

“Yes baby you are”

“mommy, I’ll be your best friend forever”. “I love you this much” as he stretched his arms out as far as he could.

At this point, I’m crying even more. Almost laugh crying. I am just so in awe of this little 3 year old that I brought into this world. He has so much love to give. There are times where I get down on myself and i wonder if I’m enough. But tonight…. tonight, proved to me that I have so much to offer. I am his mom. I am his whole world. How dare I think that ‘his world’ is not good enough. He doesn’t care if our house is clean or if we have money in the bank He just wants the ones he loves to be happy. He didn’t offer me anything but his love, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to.

I feel so sad for those that say they don’t want to have children. They are truly missing out on one of the most amazing gifts that anyone could ever imagine. They will never feel the love that I feel everyday. Soooo they have an amazing marriage or a once in a lifetime career or all the money you could ever want or need but they don’t have this. They don’t have the unbreakable bond between a parent and a child. They don’t have that ‘special’ love- the love that you could only feel or recognize if you have a child of your own.

If you are a parent and ever struggle with your worth, I hope you think about your child’s point of view and see yourself the way they see you. I hope you remember that you are someone’s whole world. I hope you leave the dishes in the sin, take those 5 extra minutes to hold them a little tighter before you drop them off at daycare, and I hope you smile at your imperfections. And whatever you do… don’t forget to water your own grass.

 

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A sweet gift from my egg donation recipient

I finally received the gift from my recipient that I posted about a few weeks ago. She wrote me the sweetest letter and gave me the most heart felt gift that I have ever received. I have written out the letter below for you guys to read if you would like.

First I want to mention that this process is meant to be anonymous for privacy for all parties involved. I honestly didn’t even think writing letters and giving gifts were even an option. For those of you that are not familiar with the egg donation process, initially, I completed all the ultrasounds, bloodwork, personality tests, and psychological review. Once this was completed my profile was put in the database allowing recipients to sift through profiles and find the perfect match for them. As such, they have seen pictures and basically anything about me that you can think of. They know everything but my name – the fact that I was so chubby when I was a baby that I had 3 chins, she has pictures of me from when I was a newborn to now.  She even knows the sound of my voice from an interview recording that was taken a few months back. I know nothing about her or her husband other than what I am sharing with you today from this letter. I do know that as you will see in the letter that she wants to have multiple children and of course, she would prefer that they look similar. As such, she has asked that I do another donation for her in the spring. I am so happy that I will get to do a second donation for her.

I want so bad to meet her and I believe she wants to meet me, too. I feel like I have been reading a book of struggles (experienced by her, her husband, and even myself) and haven’t had the opportunity to read the ending. I want to know if they actually conceive. Will I actually have another part of me in this world? I wonder if I will ever know.

Here is what she wrote me… I hope you find it as touching as I did.

Dearest AD 586,

When I was 6 years old, I told my mother that when I turned 16 o would marry Prince Charming. We would have 10 kids, and then I would become an elementary school teacher. She got a chuckle out of the idea that at 6 years old I had my whole life planned out. There decades later, I know why she laughed! I am now a CPA, not an elementary school teacher. I missed my planned wedding date by 20 years. And my husband is a Nuclear Physicist. However, I did get one thing right. He did turn out to be Prince Charming! As for the kids, one never does know quite what challenges one will be given in life. Maybe there won’t be 10, but because of the gift you’ve given us, there is a possibility that we may someday have enough to need a minivan! The words “thank you” will never be sufficient to say to a person who will always have a special place in our family. The enclosed earrings are a blend of our wedding bands. The diamonds represent my eternity bands and the hammered metal is the same as my husband’s band. We will always have our babies to remind us of you, and we wanted you to have a small reminder that uniquely links you to our family. You have made us feel so blessed! We wish you and your family the same. If you ever find yourself needing to reach us, please don’t hesitate to find us on the Donor Sibling Registry.

You’ll always be in our thoughts and prayers,

October 2016 Recipients

These are our wedding bands

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We picked out each stone by hand and custom designed the settings. It was really important t0 us that the rings were one-of-a-kind and had special meaning behind them. You see, we were creating family heirlooms. Thank you for giving us heirs to “loom” to!!

Learn from my Mistake

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Been weighing heavy on my mind today… It’s been a couple months… But it’s something that I, as a mother, cannot seem to shake…the guilt. It’s really something that I should get over by now.

March 8th was a long time ago and that chapter of our lives has since closed. 30 minutes before the end of my shift I received a text from my daycare provider telling me that she wishes she could put my kids in a bubble and proceeded to tell me “what happened”. They got hurt… Again. This time she jokingly told me that Brayden slipped on the playground and hit his face on a step. I was mortified and more than anything I was disgusted that she was trying to joke about it with me.

Do I think she physically hurt him on purpose? No. I think she didn’t know how to handle her kid plus my two in a play ground setting. Do I think she told me what REALLY happened? No. I showed Brayden this picture tonight… now that he is old enough to talk to me, and asked him what happened and without me leading him in any way, he told me he fell on the ground. I’m assuming he fell from the playground to the ground…. just putting her story and his story together. Breaks my heart.

I’m sure I’ll get judgement for posting this and I’m sure I’ll hear those comments about “that’s why I don’t put my kids in daycare”. As a household with working parents, it is the decision that we have made and the path that we have chosen. It is way harder than I believe most people would ever imagine.

I think what I have realized is that I need to listen to my kids. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when to listen or if they are just missing you or being kids. That’s what I thought it was…. I thought they just didn’t want to see me go. Looking back, I think I was wrong, they cried every time I left. Once this incident happened, we knew it was time to go, accident or not, the way she handled it was far from ok.

Now we have found a new daycare provider and she is amazing. I think this morning is when I truly realized that we are in a good place after being here for several months. Well this morning, we were leaving and Brayden said “go pawpaw’s house?” And I said “nope not today, we are going to Mary’s house” and he was EXCITED and said ” Maynai’s house” with joy, if we were at the other daycare he would have been crying. When Brayden and Brylee leave Mary’s house, they both hug her and they both blow her a kiss and say bye.

Sometimes we have to go through struggles so that we can appreciate the good. I feel like this is a perfect example.

I guess I’m writing this for a few reasons:
1) I needed to get this off my chest
2) we need to listen to our children
3) when you are struggling, remember that there is a lesson to be learned. You will grow from this. You will learn from this. Might not be right away, but it will happen.

Thanks for listening.

 

An Egg Donor’s Journey

IIMG_4607 began my egg donor journey June 2015. I started looking in to donating after hearing a friend was donating. This was actually the first time I ever heard anything regarding the donor side of the fertility process. I found it intriguing, and I love that I found something that I can do to help other women. Now that I am a parent, I empathize so much with the women that are not able to conceive without assistance. I remember after Branden and I were married, we eventually had that overwhelming desire to have a family. Imagine wanting something so so bad and not being able to have it.

Since I have friends that did/do not have the luxury of fertility, something so many of us take for granted, I understand the hurt and SHAME that they go through. Nobody looks down on woman that can’t conceive; however, they feel shame. They feel like they are to blame for their infertility.

So just in case anyone doesn’t know, I’ll tell you a little bit about egg donation. I’ve been asked so I’d like to clear things up that I am NOT a surrogate, the woman will still be able to be pregnant just with my eggs instead of hers. Women choose to use eggs from an anonymous donor due to a number of circumstances, including a history of failed IVF cycles using their own eggs and other medical conditions that have made using one’s own eggs unfavorable, such as premature ovarian failure, early menopause, recurrent miscarriage or chemotherapy for cancer. For those that don’t know, IVF stands for in vitro fertilization which means the fertilization of eggs with sperm is completed inside a glass. This is completed outside of the human body and in a laboratory setting. Isn’t the fact that this is even a ‘thing’ pretty amazing?!

Typically, there will be extra embryos following an ova donor IVF. At this point it will be up to the recipient on the eggs on how the remaining embryos will be used. Based on my research and knowledge, assuming they get pregnant following with the first embryo transfer, they can choose to use the remaining frozen-stored embryos for a second pregnancy at a later time.

If they choose not to use the embryos themselves, then they can anonymously donate them to another infertile couple who would adopt the embryos. Lastly, they could choose to donate the embryos for research or they can expose the embryos to air and let them naturally stop growing in vitro over 2 or 3 days.

This has been such a great experience for me. I have learned so much, and I feel like I have more life experience, education, and more empathy. It’s been hard, and it’s A LOT of work but I know that it’s worth it. I’m thankful to share my personal experience with my friends and family, so thanks for reading.

First, I had to complete an 18-page application. If you can think of a question, it was asked. Took hours to complete. All while knowing you might not even be selected. It may just all be a waste of time.

Types of questions asked on the application:

Shape of your mouth to the shape of your lips.

Are your eyes round, almond, or hooded? The spacing of your eyes-wide set, deep set, or close set? Uhhhhhhhhh. I had to google these.

Favorite Childhood memory. Happiest and Hardest moment that you have experienced in your life.

Family History. Age if living. Age at Death. Cause of death. Height. Weight. Eye color. Health problems. This took me forever because I don’t even know how much my husband weighs, never less, my grandma.

Now that the application has been completed. You wait. Forever.

Something that you need to know about being accepted in the program is that there are strict guidelines.

Before being accepted, you will need to meet their BMI requirements, be between the ages of 20-29, have a good family history, cannot use implanon, and pass all bloodwork tests and other testing.

Once approved, I had to go to D.C. for my first appointment which consisted of a physical exam, sonogram, blood draw, question and answer session. Interview with the doctor.  Audio Questions are asked and recorded so the recipient can hear your personality and learn more about you. Also have to submit 10-15 pictures of yourself. No one else can be in the pictures and they need to be of all stages of your life.

Wait again for bloodwork to return. As long as bloodwork is good we move on the wonderful hour long psychological evaluation. Nothing better than going in and having all those old emotions stirred around.

Then you get to sit down for over an hour and take the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) personality test. 556 questions later, you really start to wonder if you are psychotic. Examples of the type of questions are: 1. I like mechanic magazines. 2. I wake up fresh and rested most morning. (Naw, I’m a mom, does that make me psychotic? If so, can I go to the insane asylum to take a nap?) 3.I think I would like the work of a librarian (what? Uh. Ok.)

Then I have to do a phone interview with a genetic counselor to discuss my family history. Also, to discuss the results from my genetic screening where they tested over 200 medical disorders.

This is just a brief idea of the process just to get accepted in the program. This took months (June-September). During this process a crazy amount of blood was drawn, multiple trips to D.C. were made (1 ½  hour drive), sonograms, and lots of peeing in cups. Too many details to even try to go into.

Now that I have finally been accepted into the program, I wait. During this time, my profile is shown to potential recipients.

I do want to mention that there are two ways to donate, fresh and frozen. Fresh is obviously the preferred and more expensive method.  If donating frozen, as soon as I was accepted, I could have begun donating. Fresh requires a family to pick you before the donation process is started.

In May, I was selected. I had to go in for an appointment for more bloodwork and a sonogram. I had to wait a month after removing my birth control. Then, I had to return to the office for a “teaching”. In this teaching, I was taught how to mix medications together, how to inject myself, and briefed on the schedule.

I came home with a huge box of needles, medicine, gauze, alcohol wipes, and more. Every night, I had to mix 6 vials together. I then injected myself in the abdomen or thigh. I took baby aspirin every day to thin my blood. On day 3, I began injecting with an additional medication.

I had to drive to D.C. for monitoring on day 1, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 & 11. This consisted of a sonogram, consultation with a doctor, and drawing blood. Monitoring sessions are between 630 and 9 every morning. With these monitoring the past two weeks, I spent OVER 21 hours just in driving to and from the monitoring.

The medication made me feel so sick. Mostly nauseous, but one night I threw up so much and I was shaking and weak. I barely ate anything during these two weeks because the smell of any food made me nauseous including my two favorite things – Chic-fil-a and chips. The monitoring weeks are exhausting because I have to be up, showered and out the door before 5 to make it to my appointment and back before work. I have bruises on my stomach and arm from all the needles and my emotions were uncontrollable.

I was told two days prior to the egg retrieval on when the procedure would be. This is because it depends solely on my body. I then have to inject myself with a third shot.

The egg retrieval required me to be sedated so Branden had to drive me. He had to watch the kids because we didn’t have anyone to watch them so I went in by myself. The entire process was supposed to be three hours but I was in and out within 2. I had to be an hour early to begin monitoring then a 30-minute procedure. After the procedure, I was able to wake up pretty quickly from the anesthesia. I’ve had really bad cramping and bloating but it comes with the territory. Due to needing to fast the night before by time I was out, I was HANGRY. KFC saved people’s lives.

Compensation-

I didn’t really understand why the compensation amount for egg donation was so high (not complaining!). But now I definitely get it. Hours upon hours of driving, appointments, phone calls, and even mixing all the medication is time consuming.

Once your application and simple testing is completed- $50

Once fully accepted into the program and your profile is entered into their database- $250

Once the egg retrieval is made- $7,700 (and I just found out that this amount has increased to $9,700 so total $10K)

I am fully aware that this is not for everyone. It’s hard, and most people can’t get past the idea that there will be a child out there that you don’t know or have a relationship with. I, however, look at it as a way to give back. Branden and I do not plan on having any more kids. As such, these precious little babies are just sitting there going to waste. Why not share with someone that wants so desperately to be a parent?

Side note: The other day, Branden told me that he thinks whoever gets my eggs will be so lucky. He said he feels that they will really hit the jackpot and that he believes they will be so happy with who they have chosen. Obviously he made me feel so loved but, I’m also reminded that we are our own worst critics, the whole time I was thinking “what if the child inherits my big ears, the not so nice parts of my personality, or their daughter is hairless like Brylee and I were as babies, what if they are disappointed…”

I’m reminded that I am loved for exactly who I am. That child will be loved the same whether they get my blue eyes or my big ears.

If you have questions about the program, feel free to message me. I hope that you were able to learn more about the process. I wanted to share my experience so that the pros and cons of donating your eggs in hopes that someone else will donate, too.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I haven’t heard from you since I received that generic ‘happy birthday’ text you sent me in June. I’m not going to lie, I miss you. It has been 2 years and 2 months since you left us. Where are you these days?  Texas? Virginia? North Carolina?  I heard you visited Virginia a couple times recently, wish you would have reached out to me.
If only you knew what you were missing…

You’ve met your grandson, how you can meet him and not miss him terribly is absolutely beyond me.  You missed his first steps, first Christmas, first Birthday, oh and last week you missed his first time saying “I love you”. It was the sweetest thing you could ever imagine, pretty sure I cried. Now when I tell him I love him, he puts in so much effort , sounds the words out and says it back to me. He has really struggled with his speech so this has been such a special moment for us. He hugs his sissy and gives her soft kisses on her forehead.  When he gives us kisses, he wraps his arms around our necks and pulls us in with all his strength- it’s a heartfelt kiss that makes the hardest of hearts melt. He loves everyone he meets and he would love you too.. if he knew you. He says “hi” to everyone he sees and forces the scariest, angriest looking people into smiling and saying “hi” back. He is SO independent! He has been in a toddler bed since he was 15 months old and he has been 85% potty trained since before he was two, without me even trying! The “old you” would have been so proud of him…

Your granddaughter is 10 months now, and she is nothing but a sweet, baby doll. She has the prettiest smile. We call her “Smiley” because it doesn’t matter what she is going through or what time of day it is she still manages to have the biggest smile on her face. She is just as determined as her brother, she’s been crawling for months and she’s already trying to walk. She has the biggest, brightest blue eyes I have ever seen- breathtaking, actually. She loves to dance, she flails her arms around and claps, belly laughing the whole time. Her first Christmas is right around the corner, and a week after that she will be 1. You told Dad to tell me “congrats” when she was born, he gave me the message. What it would have meant to me if I had heard it from you instead. I had to pay a babysitter to keep my son while I was in the hospital, because there was no one else to watch him since Dad couldn’t watch him the whole time. What a sad feeling that was. The fact that I had to have a babysitter to take care of my child when I was in need, because no one else was there for us.

Had someone told me, just 5 years ago, that you wouldn’t be in my life OR my children’s lives OR my dad’s life, I would have never believed them. We were so close. You were seriously my best friend. We went shopping together, cooked meals together, played games. You were happily married to Dad for 23 years, I never heard you guys fight, MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD. Until something switched. Suddenly, everything was dad’s fault and he wouldn’t even fight back, he would just try to make things right and make you happy, but I saw it with my own eyes- you shut him out. You wanted more dates- he took you out for ice cream. You wanted to do more adventurous things- he bought both of you expensive mountain bikes, so you would sneak out of the house to go on bike rides without him. You wanted to travel more, so he started planning a trip to Italy for you. Whatever you asked him to change, he changed, and it was still not enough. A good, caring man who would give you the world, and you threw it all away.

You told me it was also my fault that you left, remember? You told me had I talked to you more, you wouldn’t have left. I tried to explain to you that I was newly married, and that I was starting a family of my own. You said your friend’s daughters talked to them everyday and that I should to.

I really miss you. In a way, I feel like I’m mourning the loss of my mother. It was hard being without you during the birth of both of my babies, having to figure out everything by myself when I would normally turn to you. It was hard but I know God was just testing me.

I am reminded of you every day, and unfortunately, I find that those thoughts are mostly sad. When I see a post on Facebook saying”I would be lost without my mother”, or when I see a mother and her grown daughter shopping while chit-chatting and getting along Over time, I cant help but feel a little jealous. I thought it would get easier, and that I would learn to live without you- it’s doesn’t. I do find myself crying less often. I used to cry every day, now I only cry once in a while. I am mostly sad for you. Sad that you have shut everyone out of your world, all of the people that loved and cared for you the most- how lonely you must be. Every time one of the kids have a milestone or learn something new, I am always confronted with a sense of sadness. I think “mom missed that,too.”

I hope you come back in my life one day. Hopefully sooner, then later as you have already missed so much.

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Lucky in Love <3

How do you know that you’ve found your soul mate? That person you can’t live without. The day I met Branden —I knew I wanted to get to know him but I didn’t realize that HE was going to be my love story. I knew I loved his baby blue eyes but I didn’t realize those same eyes I was gazing into would soon be the same eyes my children would have. I knew I loved his big hands but I had no idea those would be the same hands I would be holding while giving birth to my children. I knew I loved his shy little smile but I had no idea I’d be seeing that same smile as I walked down the aisle to say ‘I do’.

A friend once asked me if I ever wished I hadn’t gotten married so young. The answer is no. I KNOW that their is no one else in the world for me.

Marriage is such a big commitment and I believe the divorce rate is only high because people get married for the wrong reasons, already have one foot out the door, or lost focus on the one they were married to. Branden reminds me EVERYDAY why I married him and why I love him so much. It’s so effortless, too. Like last night he said “I love seeing you smile, it just makes me feel so happy on the inside” he says this a lot and I still get butterflies when he says it. I think gosh, I am so lucky that I’m married to someone that’s so happy just because I’m happy. Or how about the text message I got this morning? “Is it weird I just wanna go home and hug my kids and wife!!! I miss you all!!!” He looks at me and says things like  “your so beautiful” “I love seeing you happy” “I like you better without makeup” “I love your hugs” “I love coming home to you” “your eyes are so pretty” “you make me so happy baby”

I feel so blessed! I want to shout it to the world but I can’t so I guess I’ll just have to write it in a blog that everyone will probably gag while reading 😂 i hope that if your with some one that doesn’t treat you like your his world that you see that you deserve so much better. I hope your not with a man because he’s the father to your children or you need his financial support. I want everyone to experience the happiness that i feel everyday and everyone has that opportunity BUT if your with the wrong person how are you ever able to find the right person?

Thanks for reading xoxo!

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Marriage Counseling

You don’t have to go to marriage counseling just when something is wrong. You can actually go to be proactive. Branden and I went to weekly sessions with our Pastor before we got married. I can’t remember how many sessions it was but it was very beneficial.

We went to make sure we were making the right decision. It really helped us get on the same page. By talking about certain things prior to having kids and prior to getting married it can help eliminate a lot of arguments.

How many kids do you want? (I said I would be ok with 3, he was dead set on 2. I compromised.)

Whats your parenting style? (We both agree to back each other up, I would describe our parenting style as ‘tough love’)

How do you plan to discipline? i.e.Spanking, Time out (A lot of people don’t agree on this and it can cause arguments and confusing for the kids.)

Who will be in charge of finances? Joint or Separate accounts?

These type of questions were brought up. But instead of us figuring it out as we go and arguing about it in the heat of the moment, we were able to sit down with an outside party and talk about it. Getting married was such a happy time for us which makes it a perfect time to make a game plan for our future.

We sat down and wrote down goals that we wanted to achieve. Get married, Buy a house, Pay off loans, Save Money, buy a bigger house, have kids back to back, etc.

I think sitting down and writing goals really helped us work together…as we should be. Marriage is a partnership so being combative and arguing is toxic. NOT SAYING WE DONT FIGHT just simply saying that we figured out the big stuff and fight about the petty stuff 🙂

This was just something that was on my mind that I thought I would share. I look at some things that Branden and I agree on and work together on and I can honestly say it was from the help of counseling.

One last thing I wanted to share from our experience- He asked us  to Write down three people that we love.

I wrote:

Dad,Mom, Branden

He wrote:

Brittany, Mom, Dad

Our pastor pointed out that i wrote my parents first and he wrote me first.

He said that the person you write first is who you are more dependant on and this made total sense to us because Branden had moved away from home a year before that where as I was still living at home. He reassured branden that he would make it to the top of my list in due time, lol.

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The struggle is part of your story

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Out of respect for the other parties, I won’t be able to go into details. Yesterday I had two kicks to the stomach. Two things that I didn’t see coming. Two things that really hurt me. My trust was broken by two different people. I was feeling very discouraged and heartbroken. Have you ever felt so much sadness that your heart literally hurt as if it was actually breaking. It sounds cheesy but thats really how I felt.

Yesterday I was so pessimistic. Thinking to myself that no matter what I do or how far I try to plan ahead or do things the right way that something is always going to go wrong. I’m always going to struggle.

Sick Days. Traffic. Weather. Distance from family. Trust. Friendships. Work. Marriage. Daycare.

I thought to myself “Its always something. Half of the struggles I wouldn’t have to worry about if i didn’t choose to have a family.”

But what’s life without family? I live for them. I don’t know what my life would be without them.

I’m then reminded that the struggle is part of my story.

How can I appreciate the good days if i don’t have the bad days?

So many people would love to have children of their own and would choose my small struggles over their life changing struggles. How dare I take them for granted.

I try to never cry in front of my kids and yesterday I did. Brayden just looked at me like “why are you crying mommy?”

This little boy grabs both sides of my face and pulls me in for a big open mouthed kiss on the lips. Later that night, Brylee smiled at me and Brayden had me laughing so hard when I didn’t even want to smile. I have a husband and two amazing babies that love and appreciate me. They make every struggle and heart break worth it. THAT is why I do what I do.

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Trust

The most important thing I remember my dad teaching me when I was growing up is “It takes a lot of truth to gain trust and just one lie to lose it all”

That is so true. Branden and I made an agreement with each other not to lie, even if it hurts me, don’t lie to me and don’t go behind my back.

I trust him so much. I don’t have to worry about going through his phone or wondering why he came home from work later than usual.

Now that doesn’t mean that Branden lying to me or being with someone else doesn’t cross my mind. Of course it does. I’m Human. I have insecurities.

But there is a line that I don’t cross. If I truly trust him I won’t need to go through his phone or accuse him of cheating.

I have those doubts and then I remind my self that he has done nothing to break my trust.

If he did lie to me, it would probably be repairable. Depending on what its about. if he lied to me about being a murderer, then i don’t know if I would be able to move forward with him lol but most lies i believe we would be able to move past but that trust would be completely gone and only time and honesty will be able to repair it. When you are able to forgive then you need to fully forgive. That means not bringing it up every time you get into an argument. its hard but its possible.

NO cheating. If you truly love someone then being faithful should come easy.

When we got married we agreed, we can work through anything that life throws at us. We will have bad days and maybe even bad years but we can fight through it. Cheating is the only thing that we have agre\ed will be terms for divorce. I respect myself too much to allow someone to treat me like that and I know he feels the same.

I can tell you that out of the 6.5 years we have been together, we have never accused each other of cheating. No one should have to constantly prove to their spouse that they can be trusted when they have done nothing to break your trust. 6df69f904b9ca0fe5609f0741e8e2942

Broken

I can’t even believe I’m about to write about this. It has been heavy on my mind. Yesterday I shared with you my love story and I’m truly so happy with my life. But I feel like people only posts good things on Facebook, i mean we all have those negative friends. But if something really big and bad is going on in their life your not likely to hear about it. I don’t want to be like that – I want to be transparent. I want people to see all angles of my life- cry with me, laugh with me, grow with me!

Please note that this is VERY hard for me to write about. This event cut me so deep and has scarred me more than I can express. Its something I have suppressed for years and i only will talk about it with my hubby and best friend. and now I’m about to share it with the world- posting it for anyone’s eyes, anyone’s judgement.

I believe I was in 7th grade, I had a best friend, we did everything together! I loved her so much and we were really 2 peas in a pod. i don’t know what i did to upset her, i THINK it was jealousy over some guy. I really don’t know because i never got an explanation. One day my life changed forever. I walked into school and everyone was whispering about me and calling me names. I had no idea why everyone turned on me and started hating on me. Come to find out my best friend and our mutual friend had spread a NASTY rumor about me. I WILL NOT repeat the rumor on here. The majority of you already know exactly what I’m talking about but i don’t care to share with more people.

That day forward no one would talk to me as a friend or even a classmate. I hated gym class and lunch the most. Thats where there wasn’t much supervision and the others could make fun of me without any teachers noticing. Going to school day after day became such a nightmare. Its just one little town, one little school but to me it was my world! A large portion of the first 18 years of a childs life is spent in school so that was my present and future for years to come.

I felt like everyone hated me, i began to tell myself that i didn’t have a purpose in life. I really wanted to die- i was tired of spending my days bullied and my nights crying about it. I began to cut myself, this is when cutting wasn’t a big known thing. It was just something I did in the privacy of my own room, NO ONE knew. I cut my leg down by my ankle, i just wanted to cause physical pain to take my mind off the emotional pain. It was my only relief. I still have the scars to this day.

When i started high school, i began going to private school. I got a lot better, I had friends again and I wasn’t bullied at school. But that doesn’t mean the bullying stopped, people still managed to get in contact with me and harass me. I’ll never forget the day i was driving my truck on the back road to my house, every tree I passed i wanted to ram my truck into. Just take me out of this world, God! I’m tired of fighting to be accepted, i don’t want to do it anymore. Crying so hard i could barely even see the road. I don’t know what stopped me that day.

Things FINALLY started looking up in the summer of 2008! i had just finished off my 11th year of high school. My parents pulled me into their room one summer night and told me that we were moving. What?? i don’t wanna move, I’m in my last year of high school!! i remember saying through my tears “i don’t even know how to spell Wisconsin” hahaha i did, i was just being super dramatic. but seriously Wisconsin was no where on my radar. After a few minutes, i calmed down and realized this could be a new start for me. I can actually move there without anyone’s pre-judgement. I could actually have people get to know me for ME- not just what people were saying about me.

After moving, something flipped in me, seriously, my dad said i changed over night. I wasn’t as angry anymore and I felt like i dropped my baggage at the Virginia border line. I decided to forgive even tho no one said sorry I forgave them. i forgave them so i could move on and be happy. It worked! just weeks later i would meet the man that turned me into the happiest girl in the world. So glad i didn’t give up on life. So glad i finally had someone that loved me for the woman that i am – flaws and all. my plan was not to tell any one about this when i moved- my little secret. I told branden just weeks after knowing him, it was so hard but i wanted to be truthful with him and give him understanding on why i am the way i am. He didn’t judge me at all. Wisconsin was the best thing that ever happened to me.

That poor guy had so many walls to break down but he did it. one by one he broke down all the stupid walls i built up.

Most classmates went on to live their lives, probably not knowing how much of an impact their words were AND thats OKAY! we were kids! we had little sense of judgement!

Sometime in early 2014 the girl that started the rumor about me friend requested me on FB, i took dayssss to reply. i had to think long and hard. did she change, too? or is she going to break open the wounds that I spent years trying to heal? i decided that if i truly forgave her like i believed i did in 2008 then i can’t still hold it against her. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Friend request- accepted.

A few weeks later this popped up in my inbox

“Hey Brittany! So this may seem insincere since its coming from fb, but I hope you can tell that I am genuine. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I did to you in middle school. I know that was years and years ago, but if I were you, I would still want an apology and I think you deserve one. You were and are an amazing person. I was just really really really really stupid.”

Wow I COULD NOT believe it, even tho we were young and stupid, she remembered. She was carrying a burden just as much as i was! I forgave her about 5 years prior but omg it was so nice to hear that she was actually truly sorry.

We are both mommies now and i get to share my mommy moments with her and i get to see her raise her baby, too.

i do want to say that I’m happy things happened the way they did and I wouldn’t change a thing. I realized that I value my life and I learned to forgive. I’ve learned that I am strong and I learned how to treat others. Now hopefully I can teach my children the effects of bullying and teach them how to treat others.

every one is  going to take this post and apply it to their life in some way. Here is what i hope for…

  • I hope my old classmates do not feel any guilt or take this post personally in any way, remember that this was 10+ yrs ago.
  • i hope the next time you pass judgement on someone based on some thing someone else said about them, you take the time to get to know them yourself.
  • I hope the next time you hear about that girl cutting herself or actually committing suicide, you have empathy for them.
  • I hope you forgive that person that you currently hold a grudge against and remember you don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
  • I hope you remember that your world is so much bigger than the present, this too shall pass. fight through it! 🙂
  • I hope you remember that you never know what the person your talking to or about is going through.

If this post helps one person than i will be happy, i hope that person is you 🙂

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